How can I choose a new phone when I have reasons to hate them all?
Like an ageing Premiership footballer with a useless agent, I've been out of contract since last summer.
Every day my sense of rootlessness nags away at me. Yes, for the moment I remain an O2 subscriber, but it's an arrangement with no grounding in a written contract.
I'm lost at sea.
I don't know who I am any more.
Those of you that have seen my expensive clothes and immaculately manicured nails, will know I'm staggeringly well-paid. But the fact is, I'm not immune to the idea of getting a bit of money off when I renew my deal.
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And I'd quite like a new handset too. Although I'm lucky enough to get sent new handsets quite regularly, most of them have to go back after a week or so.
So this is why I'm always on the verge of calling O2 and tying myself in for 47 years or whatever the current standard tariff is.
But which handset do I choose? Fact is, I can find a reason to dislike them all...
Nokia N900
Had one for a while. Qwerty too small for my immaculately manicured hands. Annoying menu system. Far too fat. Put one in your pocket and you're not allowed in the school playground any more.
Nokia X6
Got one at the moment. Like it. Good camera, responsive touch. Masses of memory. But I like apps, and I'm sick of Ovi telling me 'the operation could not be completed' when I try to download that fart programme my life would be empty without.
BlackBerry
Had one briefly. Couldn't get it to sync with my office email – and I'm not prepared to go on a special BlackBerry contract when I try out other phones quite regularly. Without email what's the point?
Samsung/LG
Never owned one. A bit scared.
Sony Ericsson
I like the curvy new ones, but those Satio recalls don't fill you with confidence.
HTC Hero
Been using one for the last month. Fantastic in every way except for three. Why can't I call the person who just texted me directly from the messaging menu? And why the hideous kink at the bottom. And why in cream?
Any Windows Phone
Yeah, right.
iPhone
The big one. So many voices – loudest of all the one belonging to Mrs Green – yelling 'don't be such a twat. Just get an iPhone, you wanker' (expletives are hers). I know, I know. But here's the thing. My two ME colleagues both have them and I think one of us should go in a different direction. Also I just can't shake off my irritation at the whole Apple thing. It still screams 'smug tosser' to me.
Nexus One
Had one for a week. Loved it (though I've been told it crashes a lot). But it goes against the journalist code to pay for stuff. And there's no sign of O2 stocking it.
So there we have it. All that choice and nothing remotely suitable. Now I know how Mrs Green feels when she stands in front of her tsunami like wall of clothes and sighs at the lack of anything to wear.
I welcome your suggestions.
