Apple's next OS update should address unkempt and uncool users of iPhone. They spoil everything.
Of all the comedy rulers the craaazy world of Asian politics has thrown up, few can match President Niyazov of Turkmenistan.
This was the guy who named days after himself and banned car radios and beards on the grounds that they weren't 'Turkmen' enough.
That's how it goes with dictatorships. They always get things done quicker than democracies.
But even benign autocrats can turn into despots, keen to control everything. And before you know it getting the trains running on time turns into criminalising facial hair and insisting that Thursday doesn't exist any more.
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The firm's vice-like control has resulted in a content ecosystem that works exquisitely well for developers and end users. However, this week's announcement of updates to its iPhone OS suggests a company that wants to dominate its backyard utterly.
Most readers will be aware that the OS includes features such as Game Center that lets games developers include leaderboards, multiplayer matching, achievements and player profiles.
Then there's iAd, Apple's own in-app mobile advertising network.
As my estimable colleague Stuart Dredge pointed out, these new additions don't just add to Apple's own range of support services, they could wipe out the the business models of companies like Aurora Feint (in gaming) and AdMob (in ads).
Clearly Apple wants iPhone just so. It simply cannot be spoiled by interlopers and hangers-on.
I reckon the firm's next target will be users, who ruin everything with their crap clothes and rubbish taste in music.
So here are a few ideas for iPhone OS 5.0:
* Music
An Apple mandated version of Pandora will choose your music. Unless it's Vampire Weekend, Feist or something retro like Nina Simone, it's banned.
* Friends
Facebook and Skype will only permit contact with the under 25s. Stupid hats must be worn.
* Porn
A loud tut will greet anyone caught looking at bums on Safari.
* Apparel
Black at all times or the screen locks.
* In-Car
Toyota Prius mode only.
I can see the queue forming now. And everyone in it will be beautiful.
