The Ipad promises so much not least massive rows in the living room.
Me: Where's my iPad? Where the hell is it? Why can I never find it when I want it?
Child One: Sorry, I was using it for my homework.
Me: Why do you always take it without asking? It's a loan machine. I have to be very careful with it.
Child One: What do you mean 'loan machine'. You've had it for a year. I thought you were supposed to give it back after a week?
Me: Why is the screen so filthy? I've told you before - don't do iPad and KitKat Chunky at the same time. I can't turn the pages on my digital version of War And Peace.
Child One: It seems to have been stuck on page one for weeks, Dad.
Child Two: How long are you going to be with the iPad? It's just that Doncaster have a massive away fixture against Colchester on Football Manager.
Me: Can't you use the iPod Touch?
Child Two: That piddling piece of shit? I can hardly see the screen.
Me: I paid £179 for that piddling piece of shit.
Child Two: No you didn't. It's a loan machine.
Me: I would be £179 in the shops.
Child Two: Well, I want the iPad. How long will you be?
Me: As long as it takes...Christ, there's only 14 minutes of battery life left. Where's the charger?
Child Three: I've been using it for my iPod.
Me: Well, go and get it.
Child Three: I might have left it at school.
Me: Why are you taking your iPod to school?
Child Three: We're doing a project.
Me: What project?
Child Three: It's about social interaction and how technology is insulating us from contact with other people.
Me: Well, we're interacting now aren't we kids?
(no one responds. everyone has headphones in)
Me: Might as well use the last 14 mins to browse the tech sites. Mmmm, 'new version of iPad rumoured'
One year on...
Me: Where's my iPad 2? Where the hell is it? Why can I never find it when I want it?
Child Two: Sorry I was using it.
Me: Can't you use the iPad 1?
Child One, Two and Three: That piddling piece of shit? Doesn't even run Flash.
Wife: God, why don't you kids all go out and do something that doesn't involve screens.
(Hysterical laughter ensues)
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