The World According to Tim Green: Jessica Alba - smartphone expert | Mobile Devices | Mobile Entertainment

The World According to Tim Green: Jessica Alba - smartphone expert

The World According to Tim Green: Jessica Alba - smartphone expert
Tim Green


Devices / November 1st 2012 at 2:00PM

Was the fragrant star acting or does she genuinely love the fact that WinPho 8 and Windows 8 will share a common kernel?

One of the great headlines from The Onion is 'Alec Baldwin Paid To Care About The Environment'. I was reminded of it earlier this week when watching the live feed of the Windows Phone 8 launch.

Halfway through proceedings, Microsoft introduced a special guest to share their excitement about the new operating system.

I think everyone watching expected to see PocketLint's Stuart Miles walk on at that point, and we were all excited to see what he would have to say about WinPho 8.

Imagine our collective disappointment then when the slightly-less-expensive and not-quite-so-attractive Jessica Alba walked out.

Oh well. Jess would have to do.

She appeared to have arrived at the event straight from the 1950s in her wholesome A-line dress, but there was a reason for her 'yummy mummy' get-up: she was on stage to talk about Kids Corner – a new feature of the platform that's actually a stroke of genius from Microsoft.

Kids Corner was conceived to address the fact that smartphone-owning parents often surrender their devices to their relentless offspring (rather like beleaguered shop keepers handing over protection money to vicious gangsters).

They do this for a bit of peace, but then live in fear of the accidental pre-school key press that sends an email to the boss telling him to stick his fucking job up his fucking arse.

Once Kids Corner is switched on, it walls off the app being used and thereby prevents kids doing anything more 'productive' than chopping up cartoon fruit.

I say this is a stroke of genius from Microsoft as it's a feature that genuinely addresses a user need and has no precedent as far as I'm aware.

In this sense it reminded me of the fuss around the smart cover revealed by Apple for the iPad 2 launch. All that tech in the guts of this wonder device, and yet people went mad for that rather prosaic combo of plastic and magnets – only £30 a pop!

Ironically, of course, Kids Corner is a 'smart' move designed to neuter children's creative juices. Was I alone in thinking how sad it was to see the fidgety excitement of the children brought on to the stage by Microsoft reduced to dead-eyed silence as soon as the smartphones were handed out?

On the other hand, at least it keeps kids indoors and away from welcoming arms of the paedophiles literally queueing up outside.

Anyhow, Alba did a great job. She's clearly a fine actress, and I say that as someone who sat through The Fantastic Four on a plane and has seen bits of Honey.

But was she acting here?

I checked IMDB, and noted that her performance in 'WinPho 8' was mostly praised by critics and consumers, with many impressed by the crackling sexual energy between her and the balding bad guy who came on at the end.

That was Steve Ballmer, of course, who many will remember from the 2005 classic 'Developers Developers'. This was a more muted performance, but you could still sense that volcanic violence could erupt at any moment.

I'd like to believe that Jessica really is a fan of Windows Phone 8, and wasn't just being paid to recommend it.

So I'll be watching Ms Alba. And if I see her at a premiere pausing to send a text from her BlackBerry or iPhone, I will channel my betrayal by inviting her to wrestle me. Possibly naked.