I've rounded up every available cliche to create something truly horrible.
Sometimes I think my theme music should be Groucho Marx's 'Whatever it is, I'm against it."
I'm turning into such a miserable old scrote. Like that old bloke in Pixar's Up, but without the balloons.
But there's so much to get annoyed about, isn't there?
Take a 'favourite' topic of mine: mobile operator adverts.
A couple of weeks ago I interviewed James Connelly, the founder of marketing agency Fetch. He quoted ad guru John Hegerty, who lamented the 'fear of difference' among ad creatives and used a montage of indentikit cosmetics ads to illustrate his point.
I thought at the time that you could easily replace these ads with TV spots for phone networks – with their jangly indie music and sun-dappled young people (of which more later).
But then, yesterday, my son asked me what O2 was trying to do with those 'Be More Dog' ads. And I responded. "Oh they're just trying to be different, the wankers."
See, you can't win in grouchworld.
Anyway, these musings made me challenge myself to create a fictional ad campaign. One with every possible cliche built right in.
I decided I would need a name for my new mobile network, and came up with B:Cøs.
It's an alternative spelling of 'because', chosen because it's meaningless and stupid and the ø sign will really annoy journalists.
Here's what I came up with...
It's morning. The sun rises on a row of terraced houses, each one painted a different pastel shade.
In the background, some appalling jangly indie music plays. A horrible weak, white-girl voice starts singing about trees (like Kate Nash, but worse - if such a thing exists).
All at once, the doors open and a group of sleepy people emerges.
These people represent all sectors of society because my operator is inclusive and modern. So, there are good-looking white people and good-looking black people, maybe even good-looking gay people.
But no old fuckers. And you can forget about uglies.
Oh, and fatties can fuck right off.
Anyhow, these beautiful youngsters walk outside and then, one by one, they look slowly up in wonder. Above them are thousands of balloons, each with a parcel attached.
Slowly the balloons descend, and the beautiful people open the ribbons on their packages. Each contains what looks like a jigsaw piece.
They are confused. But then one handsome young man connects his piece to one owned by a pretty young girl. The others copy, and within seconds they have built a working VW Camper Van.
It's all about connection. Oh yeah.
The good-looking and not-old people run indoors to get their flip-flops, surf boards, beers and ukeleles.
Meanwhile Kate Nash drones on about leaves.
Now, the skinny people are on the beach putting a fish they have just caught on the barbecue they have just made – pausing only to share pictures of the fish they have just caught on the barbecue they have just made via their Facebook apps.
They laugh as they do this as they have great reception and no privacy concerns.
As the picture fades, Kate Nash concludes her song with the lyrics 'we can all be acorns', and all that's left is the sound of a tinkling guitar.
And then these words appear on the screen in Futura lower case:
B:Cøs you share
B:Cøs you connect
B:Cøs you are an acorn
I expect an award for this. Or at least a few commissions. It's also possible I might get sued by the makers of the Gust Pay mobile app, whose ad inspired this nonsense by going beyond parody into genius.
I will leave you with Groucho:
"Your proposition may be good,
But let's have one thing understood,
Whatever it is, I'm against it.
And even when you've changed it or condensed it,
I'm against it."